27th year of my life

By far...this has been the worst year of my life by many accounts.Largely I haven't been myself. Honestly I shudder to even think about it, but again I'm happy it has passed and left me with a better insight into my personality. Now, I have to get back to being ME. But honestly, its because of this 27th year, I have matured as a person. I know how not to be from my experiences.

So, when I am 27, I would have dealt with many of the things I wouldn't have liked to address otherwise. So, I guess I can safely say one of my worst years (or perhaps the worst) is behind me and things can get better from here. How good it gets is almost entirely in my hands. So here I am, on the 24th saying 27 cheers to the 28th year of my life about to start on the 26th :)

~Kashyap

The story of the 1/- Re coin

I was so lost in thoughts that I didn't realize that the book in my hand had slipped..when I did, I went searching for it in the market...couldn't find it anywhere..then....2 kids who seemed younger to me, came and gave me the book...they asked for Re 1/-...so i unwillingly gave them the rupee I had saved for "chikki" (groundnut jaggery sweet or whatever..we used to get 4 for Re1/-)...i felt like kicking myself in the nuts ( and honestly I was a little happy that it was practically not possible)..such was my rage and repentance...then i hear the 2 kids running towards me..and...they give me back my Re 1/-...i couldn't believe it..I could see a certain pride in their faces..it was like they had this air or superiority for showing some compassion towards me..but there was a lot of honest intent involved...i forgot about all the repentance in about 10 seconds after telling myself to be careful...so then... I went to school..bought 4 chikkies and shared them with friends...and in the end it turned out I didn't get to eat even half of one chikki...

I realized that 1/- Re wasn't meant to be mine afterall..but its memory lingers...its not a sweet memory...not something that taught me to be careful and I refer to it now when I ought to be careful...its just simply a memory...its a part of my childhood I just seem to remember...but strangely...it always makes me happy when I think about it :)

p.s. I even have a visual emeory of the entire morning and the 1/- Re coin :)

Cheers

Kashyap

16:40 -- 17:40

The one minute of my life....  .... .......

There are somethings you look at, and relate to them so much that you actually put yourself in that situation. You feel nice no matter what. Now what you see might be something that is blissful or something that is painful. Apparent laughter does not always mean happiness. And tears do not mean sorrow. I'm pretty sure anyone who's reading this blog has seen enough life to define the one moment they can call their own. I'm not talking about moments you spend with friends/ family in trips or otherwise. If you really like yourself, you would like spending time with yourself. It can only be then that you can see the one moment/instance that completely describes your thoughts and actions. If you are trying to look happy by masking the pain...you might have just given a helpless laughter. If you feel unhappy over petty things in an otherwise happy life, I'm sure there must have been a point where your cribbing has annoyed you.

Those are the moments that define us as persons. If you analyze without bias, almost all of those moments are self inflicted. 99% of the time your life is in you hands. The remaining 1% is the uncertainty life has in store for you which makes it all the more beautiful.

What I'm saying might make sense or it might not. But spend time with yourself. You aren't a loner if you do that. It might just help you find the moment that you've all along been ignoring or overlooking. You might find your identity. The one you probably can never describe to any other person.

Cheers
Kashyap

Soldier Boy

I don't know why but this always makes me feel very emotional...so here it goes...

Leaves from the vine, Falling so slow

Like tiny fragile shells, Drifting in foam

Little soldier boy come marching home

Brave soldier boy comes marching home

Seasons changing, As life goes on

Boy turns to man, Always his son

Little soldier boy come marching home

Brave soldier boy comes marching home

Fiery embers, Starting to glow

Drumming of war, Boy wants to go

Little soldier boy come marching home

Brave soldier boy comes marching home

The battles start, Who'll win none know

Man waits patiently, He waits for one

Little soldier boy come marching home

Brave soldier boy comes marching home

Ever slowly, The months go by

No word from boy, He wonders why

Little soldier boy will you come home

Brave soldier boy won't come home

One winter day, A letter comes

Tears start to flow, Boy won't come home

Little soldier boy never came home

Brave soldier boy fly away home

~ Unknown

Literature...the art and joy of reading...illiteracy and subsequent misconceptions....the power of imagination

I am really beginning to wonder if we have forgotten all about reading. Are we really so into visual media that reading a book doesn't at all seem appealing. Just ask yourself  "when did I last feel like reading a book?". I'm sure most of us will answer "Can't seem to remember...but anyways...I never was really into reading books". When ever I try to bring up this topic when I'm with my friends, almost everyone tries to put off the topic. They just aren't interested in even talking about it. It is really saddening to listen to an 'educated' person fear/dislike 'reading' just because it takes time and concentration. But so does visual media. Just pause to think about the amount of time we spend on internet doing NOTHING productive. I'm not saying everyone SHOULD love to read. I'm just saying that we should at least give it a whole-hearted attempt. Can a movie give you wings of imagination like a book does? certainly no. Can it challenge your thought process altogether?...no!..does talking to your friend about practically nothing for hours together always help you..no! Do we ever ask ourselves these questions..possibly no.

I think the problem lies with our education system. Our parents are also to be blamed. We look at education as a 'skill set'. Most aren't bothered about really getting wiser from the acquired knowledge. All our efforts go purely into to have a successful (read a job that pays well) life. To have such a life......yes you are right... we need to score well in our exams to profess our 'proficiency' in the field!. For that...all we do is remember the course material by-heart and by word. Think about it. Aren't we just living a mechanical life by doing so?. Is enjoyment only about visual media (movies, random videos on youtube etc..) and gossiping when we are with friends?. Are we not really responsible to know how our system works? Is it not our responsibility to really spend time in a more productive way and to impart knowledge to those less informed?. Fun with friends is absolutely necessary, but is that always the only form of relaxation?...Think about it. If you really think watching a movie or talking to friends about matters of no consequence is the only source of entertainment, then its entirely up to you. But I challenge you to read a book and not find the experience exhilarating....and read the right book to start with! (not that there are bad/wrong ones..but just that some aren't suited to a first time reader).

The reason I thought of writing this blog is because of an article in 'The Hindu'. It's more of excerpts from an interview. I've always felt illiteracy is the cause of all misconceptions. That article just made me feel like writing about it in the blog. I believe that we are all 'educated illiterates'. How many of us have 'read' the Ramayana? I'm sure NONE is the answer. Yet, we are under the impression that we know all there is to know about it. Actually, many of my friends don't even know the complete story. Why? because we never cared to read!. Yet again, we have opinions about Ramayana. It is a literary epic. One of the masterpieces in effective story telling. It is not related to Hinduism as a 'religion' in anyway. Yet we see it as a religious scripture. We seem to take the Valmiki Ramayana for granted. Did we ever consider the thought that it can be a profoundly well written folklore?. We have identified ourselves with Ramayana for over 2 millenia now and still most of us don't get its underlying principles. Those who have read it  have done so mostly after retiring from their jobs to attain 'spiritual moksha'. Is that the reason to read a book?. If educated people like us can be influenced with fallacies resulting from hearsay, think about what could be done with the less privileged who don't have proper education. And we blame organizations like ABVP and RSS for their wrong propaganda. The truth is all of us believe in the same ideologies as them, only that we are less violent or we are just grossly busy with our day to day lives.

Human beings have a natural fascination for listening to stories. Over time, even though people have developed the ability to read and comprehend a material, they simply want to 'listen' to a story. Barely ever do we realize that story telling is almost always biased. Even more so when it is narrated. I urge you to develop an opinion based on some sound logic derived from reading about the issue. Don't just give into others thoughts before you even have an understanding about the matter in discussion. PLEASE DON"T BE AN EDUCATED ILLITERATE.

Read this--- may be it'll do a good job of removing biases and cultivating the habit of reading we once had and seem to have completely lost.
http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/interview/article2574398.ece

26 Cheers to Imagination and creativity...without which we wouldn't have been where we are today.
Brijesh

How in the world do they write such beautiful lyrics...wow!

bichhṛe abhi to ham bas kal parson

jeeoongi main kaise is haal men barson

maut nah aai

maut nah aai teri, yaad kyoon aai

lambi judaai

chaar dinaan da pyaar o rabba

baṛi lambi judaai

lambi judaai

honṭon pih aai

honṭon pih aai meri jaan duhaai

lambi judaai

chaar dinaan da pyaar o rabba

baṛi lambi judaai

lambi judaai

ik to sajan mere paas naheen

dooje milan di koi aas naheen

is pih yih saawan aaya

is pih yih saawan aaya aag lagaai

hae lambi judaai

chaar dinaan da pyaar o rabba

baṛi lambi judaai

lambi judaai

ṭooṭe zamaane tere haath nigoṛe

jin se dilon ke sheeshe toṛe

hijr ki oonchi

hijr ki oonchi deewaar banaai

hae lambi judaai

chaar dinaan da pyaar o rabba

baṛi lambi judaai

lambi judaai

baagh ujaṛ gae khilne se pahle

panchhi bichaṛ gae milne se pahle

koyal ki kook

koyal ki kook ne hook uthaai

hae lambi judaai

chaar dinaan da pyaar o rabba

baṛi lambi judaai

lambi judaai

baṛi lambi judaai

lambi judaai

Focus, Realization

The one word I seem to have completely forgotten is focus. Too much waywardness cost me a lot off late. I have had to endure a lot because of that. Now after a much needed vacation, I am beginning to realize my priorities again. I had them in sight, but they were blurred. This week especially has been good in terms of realizing what I missed doing, and what I should do from now on. Also, on a personal note, I have finally understood what eluded me for months now. Now that I know, to hell with it. I have better things to do than worry over spilled milk. We only grow as a person when we realize our mistakes and don't repeat them. I don't know if I've made any mistakes, but, I've decided I won't repeat some things. So many more thoughts to share, but this time, I'll just keep them to me.

A sincere advice -- Look deep within yourselves, if your actions are at conflict with your conscience, there is something seriously wrong with you. You need to change yourself. Otherwise, just don't bother explaining your actions to others. You aren't accountable to anyone who doesn't care about you and tries to judge you.

Our life always has priorities. Lets not lose focus. Lets get back to wiggling the big toe.

Cheers
Brijesh

Memoirs of a trip long due - 1

Thursday, September 1st

Finished Ganesh pooja at home. Ate some pretty awesome masala vada. Packed my stuff for the trip in literally less than 10 mins (never done it..will never do it...left some important stuff i needed to take..phone charger for instance) and took off. Mixed feelings at the airport. I arrived early and had to wait. I generally don't like airports, but this time, it was different. I never liked St.Louis airport for the kind of stale air it presumably has (near the boarding gates). Didn't feel it this time. I can never concentrate in an airport is what I thought. This time I could read a book; and a brilliant one at that..Atlas Shrugged. btw...the girl sitting next to me had some really good looking legs.... ahem...ahem... back to concentrating on reading the book. So there I was reading about existentialism and suddenly I felt good. If you read my previous blogs, you can find a disappointment in the undertone. Didn't feel it when I was reading the book. Thanks Ayn Rand!.

5:45 pm
It was time to get to my gate and board the flight (Was sitting at another gate because there wasn't any place to sit near the gate I was supposed to board). So, as I boarded and sat and looked out of the mirror...I saw myself sitting in the window seat right on top of the wing. I dont know why, but I ALWAYS get seats near the wing. Next time, I should carefully choose my seats (something I've been telling my self for ages and never done). I developed a hatred for flight journeys for 2 reasons
1. Recycled air.
2. Recycled air!!!!

....Delta was good though. I think I will like flying once again. So then, continued with the book reading. Then after sometime, I looked out of the window and saw the small hole in between the windows. I always wondered why they had that and always told myself to go and Google it. Still haven't done it. The flight to Salt Lake city was fascinating for two reasons.

1. I was reading Atlas Shrugged
2. I looked at perhaps the most amazing sunset i would ever see.

...And there the plane was flying on top of the Rockys. I really wish I was brilliant with words to describe exactly how I felt when I saw them in fading sunlight. The reddish orange of the sun's rays illuminated the snow patches of the Rocky mountains. It looked as if the mountain ranges suddenly became snow erupting volcanoes. Then as the sun began to set, it was as if time was going backwards. Imagine a large blob of magma going back into volcano, diminishing as it does so. When the sun set completely, suddenly the mountain range looked very cold again with the snow patches. Then as we started our descent, it appeared as if the mountains had hidden diamonds obscured by the sunlight. The city lights in the twilight, the city itself in between the mountains. In one simple expression---WOW!

The flight back to Seattle was pretty ordinary. But then when I reached there, I felt at peace. Being in the company of my friends itself was such an exhilarating experience (especially with the prospect of a wonderful trip). We had a delightful dinner, spoke for some time decided on the plan for the trip and slept.

Amidst all this, I couldn't keep my mind off the wonderful sight I was treated to.

If only.......

Cheers
Brijesh

Random post - 1

I just read the "sleepless nights" blog and I was like... "What the hell did I write?????? read LAME. And yes it does. Reads like a 5th grader trying to write a poem by deliberately rhyming the words. So, I told myself "Don't ever do that!!". How I wish I was a much better writer!!. Now then, last weekend was tumultuous to start with, fun in the middle and then uncertainty filled to the end. I think I'll blog about the fun part first. Went to Meramec State park, enjoyed the stay at the cabins. Met all of my friends barring one after 2 years. Yeah! It was FUN. Went trailing the next morning, swam in the river, came back exhausted, went for a brief walk again, set up campfire at night, got drunk, played poker and slept. When it was time to come back, didn't feel like coming back. Monday was grim. Had a meeting with my advisor. I didn't pass the qualifiers. This is one of the reasons I really feel hurt. I'm just hiding it. I probably won't show any emotions (actually I am in this blog), but boy it hurts. It hurts as much as the other thing that I don't want to blog about. I don't know how much of this I can take anymore, but if anything, it definitely has made me into a better person. I've always treated failure as success' equal. Without each other, they don't have any value what so ever. In geek/nerd talk when you put it in the words of a control engineer "deliberately include noise in the system, if there is no such thing, as, a pure system is faulty and will fail eventually. Here, the noise being failure and the pure system being absolute success. All said and done, it still bloody hurts.

I heard a story about a gang of serial murderers and the punishment handed to them. Then there is all this talk about capital punishment in the news. Read a really good article/editorial about capital punishment. So now I have one more topic to write a serious blog on. Which reminds me...I never wrote that blog on Economics I've been postponing for 2 years now. I will when I have enough knowledge and relevant stuff to write on it.

I'm off on a long long awaited trip tomorrow. I hope I have fun again. Until then...

Sayonara
Kashyap

Because today I want to listen to poetry

Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai

Yeh Mehlon,Yeh Takhton,Yeh Taajon Ki Duniya,
Yeh Insaan Key Dushman Samaajon Ki Duniya,
Yeh Doulat Key Bhookhey Riwajon Ki Duniya,
Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai.

Har Ek Jism Ghayal, Har Ek Rooh Pyaasi,
Nigahon Mein Uljhan, Dilon Mein Udaasi,
Yeh Duniya Hai Ya Aalam-e-Badhawasi,
Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai.

Yahaan Eik Khilona Hai Insaan Ki Hasti,
Yeh Basti Hai Murda Paraston Ki Basti,
Yahaan To Jeevan Sey Hai Maut Sasti,
Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai.

Jawaani Bhatakti Hai Badkaar Ban Kar,
Jawaan Jism Sajtey Hein Bazaar Ban Kar,
Yahaan Pyaar Hota Hai Byopaar Ban Kar,
Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai.

Yeh Duniya Jahaan Aadmi Kuch Nahi Hai,
Wafa Kuch Nahi, Dosti Kuch Nahi Hai,
Yahaan Pyaar Ki Qadr Hi Kuch Nahi Hai,
Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai.

Jala Do Isey, Phoonk Dalo Yeh Duniya.
Mere Saamne Se Hata Lo Yeh Duniya,
Tumhari Hai Tum Hi Sambhalo Yeh Duniya,
Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai?

Hats off Mr. Sahir Ludianvi

Cheers

Kashyap

Time Complexity

For those of you who don't know what it means...in algorithms, it is used to find the upper bound on the running time of a set of operations, by looking at how much each operation takes to complete.

Today, I was really trying hard to study for my qualifiers, which are in about less than a months time. Now, this is all after 2 months of really casual preparation for perhaps one of the most important exam of my life. So I started studying at around 10 in the morning. I was reading the chapter "Graph algorithms". I had taken a math course in spring 2010- Combinatorics and Graph theory. The reason I took that course was because  I thought it would be useful to me in my Ph.D. It didn't quite turn out to be as I expected it to be. Nevertheless, I was somehow happy to be back in school and taking courses. I was doing research as well which really excited me. I somehow liked that spring semester. I kinda miss it now. I wanted to be good in combinatorics by the end of it, Damn! it turned out bad. I still can't do it properly.

Hmm...Summer has been really hot. So hot, that it feels as if the sun is really angry at me for not being in the lab or at home doing something useful. May was good though, even though it was hot. I had lots and lots of ice cream. I never knew I enjoyed ice cream so much. Had fun. Sitting by the water in Meramec springs was really worth while, I really enjoyed it. I wanna go there again. Play with the water. Saw that when you splash water, you can see water droplets float 'on' water; reason--high surface tension. Then they break eventually.

One day, I was sitting in front of my house and I saw a spider build its web from scratch. Fascinating to see how good it was in keeping the same distance from one strand to the other. I kinda envied it. It had no exams to prove its merit against. If it failed, it would learn from its life's mistakes, because, if it can't prey, its going to die. So it has to be better. Intellectual evolution.

All this with the song "Khaabon ke parinde" playing in my head in an infinite loop.

Then, I heard the sound of the drill bit from the adjacent room. Time was now 12:30 pm. I realized I wasted about 2 and a half hours!!!! Time I can't get back. So, I told myself, "OK! have lunch and come back and study".

I got up from my desk...went to Vimal's, chit chatted for a while, invited him over to my place for sweets. On the way, we decided to go to his place for Dosa by flipping a coin to simulate a random walk. We did, but it was short lived. We decided against it and walked to my home :) had sweets and left to his place. We spat on statistics' face by doing so and it got back to us, we got held up with something and more time was wasted. So, we had dosa, which was really good. Then I felt so sleepy, I came home and slept for about an hour. After I woke up, I told myself, OK! study until late in the night. Went to library. Came home, made tea. Cooked. Told myself-- "OK! Eat and go to the lab and study!"... So I went to the lab. Studied for 10 minutes. Couldn't concentrate. Got up. Went out, walked alone. Came back to the lab. Took my bag and told myself. "OK! go home and study". I'd been browsing since then, chatted with my friend and now I've been writing a blog!! and its 1 am. Man, i'm addicted to internet. Vimal! internet is equally dangerous. It can also drive a person crazy. And, just now I told myself, "OK! don't waste time tomorrow" :D

So you see, terrible algorithm, terrible preparation. Very very high time complexity to finish ONE chapter. Bad. Phail! Ek dun Phail! Bahut hee kharaab. Yeh ek din mein karna tha!

So..."OK! go to sleep and get up early" :)

Cheers,
Brijesh

Practicality and Hope - My Perspective

Chapter I - The philosophical approach

Life treats us in exactly the same way we let it treat us; consciously or otherwise - Brijesh [I know..I know :D]

First among the three blogs I have been itching to write for a long time. This one is a result of the transformation I have undergone as a person. It reflects how significantly my thinking has changed and how much of it still fears to change. Like most people, I have my own take on things, in other words my own philosophy towards life. As philosophy is the super set of a plethora of ideologies, I find myself constantly at loggerheads with my own take on life and the way I live it.


I've had this blog saved as a draft for over a year and a half now, I've made many changes, partly because I wasn't sure about certain things, but mostly because I couldn't figure out a way to put my thoughts into words.

So of the three things that influence our lives most, this blog is dedicated to Philosophy. Science and philosophy have to coexist for growth. Religion is the prophesied child of philosophy. A gift to our revered intellect. It was supposed to 'enlighten us'. A gift to help us grow. Unfortunately, we couldn't handle it and looked at it as a path to be powerful in society; as a source of dominance. As a result, what should have brought us peace and growth, bound us for centuries together in relative darkness. We tainted religion because we never understood the true meaning of it.

If you consider fire to be human intellect, philosophy/religion was supposed to be the fuel. Instead of using it as a torch, those who had access to it, started using it as a weapon to threaten others into submission and fuel hatred. If we think about it seriously, over the last two millenia, religion has brought us largely (and its a very large 'largely') hatred, indifference and biased opinions about other people. To a great extant, it has suppressed growth. I'm not saying it hasn't done us any good. It has. I has given hope to many people. Unfortunately, that hope turned into a sort of excuse to perform below our potential. Hope is indirectly a reason people go into depression (which generally arises from being unable to achieve something). Here is where GOD comes into the picture. The idea of God was created as our reference to all things good. It is a state of being which every person can achieve. But we don't. Why?, because we bank our progress on hope. If you were a 'i-make-my-own-life' sort of a person(a morally and ethically sound one at that) then this is your equation for success.
Success = (Hard work + Attitude = 90%) + (Luck =10%)
Now, if you are a hopeful person who has escapist attitude and tries to give excuses for failures, your equation for success would be
Success= (Hard work + God's grace= 90%) + (Luck =10%). If you see the difference, you can clearly say that you lose attitude. And to me attitude defines a person!

I'm not challenging you to be an atheist or an agnostic. I'm just asking you to be bold enough to take charge of your life. It's you who either make or break it. Be less dependent on god. Hope less and act more. In the process, lets not shun our cultural heritages. Cultures have become part of our identity. Without culture, life will be dull and colorless. But I hope there is a day when we look at religion from a completely different angle and look at 'God' and say 'Yeah..I can be like that. I will be.' I hope religion, castes and blind beliefs don't bind us from experiencing bliss.

On a personal level, I hope I don't lose something I've grown to hold close to my heart because of such beliefs.

26Cheers

Character, Self Belief and Attitude -- OUR IDENTITY

For starters-- I HATE hypocrites..I CANNOT tell how much I hate them. But, if we look closely, we all are at times (to always depending on people) hypocrites no matter how hard we try not to be. The guts to accept our faults and make honest attempts to correct ourselves defines who we really are. To me that is THE attitude which defines us and shapes our lives. We can have a peaceful sleep only with a clear conscience. No matter how successful we are, success without a clear conscience is futile. And I strongly believe success is not the only measure in judging a person.

Many of us are not born with such an attitude. Our conscious effort to develop one such establishes our character; something that we can proudly associate with until our death. The best part is, attitude is contagious. The worst part is we don't realize it. Once we develop such an attitude, the only thing left is self belief; and the two biggest hurdles in our path are our fear of failure and escapism. Its like a cycle. If we lack self belief, we have failed even before we started. Once we start failing, we lose courage and develop a fear of failure. This fear of failure breeds an escapist approach to satiate our ego. As a result of our failures we try to avoid identifying ourselves with our failures (which are a very important part of our personality development). We slowly disassociate ourselves with our TRUE IDENTITY. We then try to be successful to redeem ourselves. Slowly, but surely, our notion of wrong and right fade and 'by any means' seems to appear acceptable to 'achieve means'. This is when we have truly lost ourselves.

Why all this??....In our world where success is measured by how fat our pay cheque is, there are millions of people who have lesser opportunities to lead a 'materialistically' comfortable life as compared to us. We crib about a lot of distractions, which, from someone else's perspective relate to nothing they have to endure on a day to day basis.

Lets just think about it when we crib about something the next time. Lets put a stop to escapism. Lets be successful, but with conscience and honesty. With belief and largely unblemished character. Lets identify ourselves with PURE AWESOMENESS.


26 Cheers