The Sand

I once had sand in my hand. I was so nervous that it would fall off. So I started tightening my grip, spent all my time fretting about losing the sand through the gap in my clenched fist. I barely had time to play with it in my palm. I wanted it all for myself. I lost track of everything in my life. I became obsessed with 'not losing' the sand. I didn't realize that I was suffocating it. Slowly and surely, it slipped out of my hand. There are just a few grains left. Now that the sand is gone, I'm frantically searching for memories of me gleefully playing with it. I wish I had more memories to cherish than I do.

~Kashyap

Belief and aspiration

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Slam dunk into the trash can

I am what I am and I know what I am, so, enough with the stupid emotional stuff that I've been posting for a long time now. Henceforth, this blog will be about my perspectives on life, death, economy, politics, sports, philosophy, the universe, movies, now obscure telugu literature in particular, literature in general and my short stories.

February 10th it is... :)

Cheers
Brijesh Kashyap 

Silence

Silence is unbearable at times. It gets more frightening with the knowledge that one particular frequency in your life will go silent for ever. I am petrified.

Self destructing

Breaking...regrouping...loosing focus...fighting...indulging..fighting....no focus...listlessness...giving in...fighting...fearing...panicking....regrouping....short focus....listlessness....searching....finding....fighting....lost....

but not giving up....

life...

Pursuit of Happiness

Happiness...The only time I think I was truly happy without anything on my mind was the 10 days I spent in Rajahmundry. Why was I happy then and never before or after? I don't know the exact reason. But I think it was because I really did not have anything on my mind. No fear, no thought about future, hence no anxiety nor tension. Nothing at all. I just lived by the moment. I have been longing for such a time.

I think we are happy when we don't have any fear. Sometimes mental peace is confused with happiness, but, in actuality you can still have happiness in troubled times. I now neither have peace nor happiness. But I feel some inner force pushing me towards it. Every day I wake up and feel I am getting closer and closer to the day when I will be happy.  I don't know how, but, my sixth sense tells me I will be.

But... what makes me happy?. I am a dreamer. I dream a lot. That is a problem too. I dream a lot and most times leave it there. I don't do anything with my dreams and thoughts. And only I know how innovative and creative I can be. But, whats the point of ploughing a farm in our mind and hoping to have dinner with the crop. Thats the problem with me. So, again, what makes me happy. Colours, Creativity, Innovations, Sports. Most unfortunately, I don't truly love what I am doing. My Ph.D. I like it a lot. I'm excited with its prospects, but I don't love it. Yet. So, although I will be happy if I publish a paper in a top conference, its not 'happiness'. I can't explain it to anyone.

So what makes me feel I will be happy? My work. I know, sounds conflicting to what I just said, but its not my 'work' as such, but the process. Hence, my work. I am not explaining it on purpose. Either you 'see' what I meant or you don't. So, I'll leave it there with no further explanation. I have decided to do things as and how I want to do them. I want to love doing what and how I do. I want to genuinely hate doing things the way I do them, in order to stop doing them the way I have been doing them. I want to stop running away from things that I have been running away from.

I have wanted to do so many things in the past, and eventually let them be. But this time this 'want to' is a process that I am already in. I'm not hoping for it to 'work'. I will just do it and somehow I know this time it will. I may not have the exact answer to the question HOW?, but I know for sure. I am confident. Not hopeful. Confident.

Cheers
Brijesh

Abandoned

The sense of being abandoned and left for ruin...things will seem new over time but it will always be  newness on top of ruins no one can see but me....completeness over absolute hollowness....