The power of music

Oh what music can do to a troubled mind...

Goodbye Pork Pie Hat

雨

雨 (Ame) - that's the kanji for rain.

I miss rain. Quite a bit. I never imagined I would say this. But I do. I miss sleeping on my bed and watch the water trickle down the window panes of my bedroom. I miss the sound of rain falling on grass, on concrete, on the windows. I miss the rumbling of thunder and the occasional flash of lightning. I haven't seen rain for quite a while now.

Somedays I wonder, I'm desperately and frantically searching for a new living but am I missing out on life? Let's see what the future holds..

Identity

If we stop saying things that we want to say and doing things we want to do because someone might get hurt, then we are changing our behavior to suit the other person's needs or sentimentality. In the process, we change from being the person we are to someone else and stop being happy about being ourselves and start doubting ourselves.

I do understand that we cannot always do and say what we want, but there is a limit to how much one should allow external forces in this universe to affect a change within us. If the other person wants us to be who they would like us to be, then they can never be happy with us and consequently, we can never be truly happy with them no matter how much we love them.

This post is not about justifying selfish or self-centered ideologies. It is simply about not losing our identities out of the fear of being misunderstood. Because, it is as much the other person's fault to misjudge and be judgmental about us as it is our own to allow such a thing to happen. Fretting too much about what others might think will disrupt and eventually destroy the peace we so desperately seek with ourselves.

Joy and Sorrow

Joy and Sorrow are inseparable...
Together they come and when one sits alone with you...
Remember the other is sleeping upon your bed...

- Khalil Gibran

Rage

There is an unimaginable rage and pain in me. I can hardly explain it to anyone. I don't want them to slowly consume me. Letting things go because of the inner rage and pain is letting them consume me. I want to be happy and devoid of the rage. I want to see my priorities clearly. I want my focus back. I want peace of mind. I want my inner peace back.

I want to see myself again, clearly, without pain, anguish, rage or animosity.

Fear

Im scared.

But, if I stop walking forward, I will never become what I want to be.
If I am too cautious and slow in overcoming my fear or dealing with it, it will be too late even if I achieve what I want to achieve.

Fear is a good thing, it keeps us grounded, keeps us on the edge, but we should never let it overpower is. Respect fear and you will do wonders with your life.

Stayin' Alive

Stayin' Alive

Was playing this song all along on both the flights enroute to San Francisco from Rolla. Embodies the spirit that I want to carry over in my life no matter what - stay alive and by extension 'live' not just exist.

"Life goin' nowhere, somebody help me
Somebody help me," 

A shout to myself. 

Somehow, I can relate to being homeless, of course I can't even compare remotely to the awful feeling of sleeping in the cold at nights fearing hypothermia, living not knowing when your next meal would be, but still, I know what it means to be belong nowhere. Epitomizes desperation in one dimension. 

I realized that extreme clarity comes during our lowest lows. I now only have a single agenda. I realized the lows are actually simple enough to overcome because everything simply boils down to the essentials. Our focus is on survival and on things that are most relevant. Other things seem to pale. I wish I had this detachment quite a while back and I guess I did, just that I was only willing or waiting to act on it until after I moved out of Rolla. 

I will stay alive. I will live. I will endure. I will succeed and I will live.