Rage

There is an unimaginable rage and pain in me. I can hardly explain it to anyone. I don't want them to slowly consume me. Letting things go because of the inner rage and pain is letting them consume me. I want to be happy and devoid of the rage. I want to see my priorities clearly. I want my focus back. I want peace of mind. I want my inner peace back.

I want to see myself again, clearly, without pain, anguish, rage or animosity.

Fear

Im scared.

But, if I stop walking forward, I will never become what I want to be.
If I am too cautious and slow in overcoming my fear or dealing with it, it will be too late even if I achieve what I want to achieve.

Fear is a good thing, it keeps us grounded, keeps us on the edge, but we should never let it overpower is. Respect fear and you will do wonders with your life.

Stayin' Alive

Stayin' Alive

Was playing this song all along on both the flights enroute to San Francisco from Rolla. Embodies the spirit that I want to carry over in my life no matter what - stay alive and by extension 'live' not just exist.

"Life goin' nowhere, somebody help me
Somebody help me," 

A shout to myself. 

Somehow, I can relate to being homeless, of course I can't even compare remotely to the awful feeling of sleeping in the cold at nights fearing hypothermia, living not knowing when your next meal would be, but still, I know what it means to be belong nowhere. Epitomizes desperation in one dimension. 

I realized that extreme clarity comes during our lowest lows. I now only have a single agenda. I realized the lows are actually simple enough to overcome because everything simply boils down to the essentials. Our focus is on survival and on things that are most relevant. Other things seem to pale. I wish I had this detachment quite a while back and I guess I did, just that I was only willing or waiting to act on it until after I moved out of Rolla. 

I will stay alive. I will live. I will endure. I will succeed and I will live.

Peace of mind through selfishness

The key to peace of mind is being selfish. You can have all the virtues, but be selfish. Being selfish lets you prioritize things that are important to you and forces you to act on them.

Love yourselves the most - it will pull you out of great many miseries.

Act, don't think. Act. Act. Act. Act. Actions are the only things that are visible. No thought is ever evident unless it is acted upon. Act according to what is most important to you at any given time. You may even give importance to others, but at the end it must be your selfish motives, but be sure to not be obvious. Nobody cares what you actually thought, all they see is what you did or didn't. Once you master this, you WILL have peace of mind. I cannot guarantee that you will be happy, but you definitely WILL have peace of mind.

What I just wrote may be morally or ethically wrong but it is the most practical thing. I am at loggerheads with myself on this very issue. Sometimes I feel very strongly that I don't belong anywhere. A great battle is raging within me. I don't know when it will stop, or if it will ever. It may seem dormant, but I suppose it will keep raging on and on, only time will tell. I'm glad I have a blog no one ever reads. I wanted to shout into vacuum and thankfully internet is the vacuum I found.

Bury your dead

"One must bury their dead...not like the Egyptians...they mummify to glorify immortality...."

Very true allegory of life through death... The way we treat death defines the way we live on

Random about life

Life almost never gives you a second chance. If you cannot realize that while you still have a first chance, then no matter what you are screwed. Never imagine that things will be fine once you do this and that and so on. Nothing and no one wait for us. And when they move on in their lives you simply are left behind. Regrets are all that exist. And when you keep pondering over the regrets, you lose your future. Very soon, you don't have a life.

What really is human nature?

What do we really care about? Our ideologies, our beliefs, our likes, our dislikes. That's all .

What drives human beings to accept extremism as an ideology they can thrive under? Intolerance. Where does it arise from? once again, belief in ones ideology to the point where any other ideology is not true.

We all know that vegetables are basically all the nutrients that the plant supplies to the seed until that time the seed is ready for germination. That's exactly what we do too. We protect and nurture our ideology with our ego. The bigger the ego the stronger the ideology. Human ego can thrive either with extreme clarity of thought or its lack thereof. Everywhere else in that spectrum, ego can be controlled and channeled. The two ends of the spectrum are the two extremes which can never actually meet; analogous to parallel lines. It is only the foolish who think they can jump from one end to the other, thereby accepting ideologies that are not their own but ones they desperately seek to endorse. It is probably their fear of loosing their own existence owing to the lack of purpose in life which drives them to forgo logic and run behind a mirage. This pseudo convergence hurts others living in the spectrum in the process whose lives are not driven by ego but by a purpose of any degree.

How do we tackle such an issue without eliminating the two extremes in the equation? Violence is not the solution. Violence is never the solution. Yet, every time we are hurt, we seek to eliminate the cause of the hurt and violence of any degree is the first thing that comes to our mind.

How do we get rid of this?

How....