Gaulish swear words

Right now...as of this exact moment.....saying 'I'm furious' is a serious understatement. I have been super angry for a couple of day now, but this extremity is actually hurting my head...my ear lobes are HOT..my eyes are burning..

I simply hate myself...I have been channeling this rage into work...but still there is a lot pent up...Honestly, I can't even express the magnitude of my anger...I probably have never been this angry...definitely not in my recent memory. This is good. This is good. This anger is because I hurt my ego. I hurt my pride. I hurt it real bad. Not before anyone, or with respect to anyone. That would be meaningless. That is good, because I know the levels of focus I can obtain when this happens. This is good for the fact that I feel ashamed for the right reasons. Not because I failed once again before someone very dear. I cant let that be my driving force. I dont want to. My hunger for success has to come from within, not because I want to fulfill someone's expectation.

All this while...my ambitions were lethargic, slow and overly analytical. I am now greedy. Greedy is an understatement. Its like I'm famished when it comes to success. If I have to achieve what I foresee for myself, right now, I have to change my idea of success drastically.

This anger is bad..people will misunderstand my actions. I will appear rude. I might seem weird. But, honestly I dont care anymore. To hell with all that. I JUST SIMPLY DONT CARE ANYMORE. I have been grossly misunderstood before. So, this is not new to me. I really dont want to care about it anymore.

I would have used something else, but I will just say 'Gaulish swear words' and go to sleep.

I think I knew it for sometime now

I could tell how far the apple has fallen off the tree...why? I don't know. But I know it has. I could tell.

Why do we research - Conference Day 3

What is the point in being part of a research that has a more capitalistic approach than a humanistic approach? If we research and write papers just to build our profile and be among the brightest minds, or just to land in a job that makes our lives comfortable...or just to graduate with some sense of accomplishment, I think we seriously need to rethink our motives.

I wanted to start writing about events of day two, but they pale in significance to what I learnt at the end of day 3. On day 2 I listened to a lot of talks and got to meet a lot of new people, but I didn't learn the essence of being called great in your field.

Greatness is not about the volume of work you do. Greatness is not about how revered your work is in your field. It is about the difference your research makes in others lives. I'm not speaking in a capitalistic sense of the tone. Yes. Some one or the other will benefit from your research if it is substantial, but that should not be the extant of your accomplishments.

This is what I learnt from the final talk of the day, and it was not a technical talk. It was a eulogy about a great person, a great scientist Dr. Kane Kim. Listening about him from Dr. Bharat Bhargava was really the best talk of this conference. I have made some acquaintances, I got to know new people, but I am more than glad I have learnt something substantial. Something that will constantly drive me into having a clear conscience. I have always had this feeling, but never so profound.

Today, I am a nobody writing a blog after attending my first conference, but some day I hope I grow to a level where I make a significant difference in someone else's life. I hope to become a great person in my field, where people recognize me not just for my professional accomplishments, but in the true sense of the word.

Cheers to all the greatness that lies ahead for me to grab. Cheers to all the greatness that lies ahead of us. Cheers to great people.

Kashyap

Random thoughts running in my mind

One of the worst feeling is the one where you realize the truth and although you want to confront it, you cant; you want to avoid it, you can't. So that makes you very unsure.

Things change so suddenly so soon we yearn to live in the past. Life NEVER gives you what you want. But come to think of it, dont our actions decide what life actually gives us?

You can NEVER see the truth if you live in a state of denial.

I'm at a conference, and I don't seem to enjoy it anymore.

~Kashyap

My first conference -- day 1

I should ideally start talking about my first conference by talking about my presentation, but me being me, I will talk about some observations I made :)

1) Blue shirt seems to be the obvious choice of the panelists, presenters and attendees.

2) Professors dont really bother about how they come dressed (even if it is a conference)

3) Academic rule 1 : you become a professor only if you wear formals with white sneakers and carry a backpack.

4) I dont know what some people learn from the workshops; helps grad students like me, but, these workshops are more of a PR platform for the professors. (ofcourse it depends on the level of the conference)

NOTE: I might change my opinion tomorrow.

On a more important note, I had a good first day. Spoke to a lot of new people from my field. Got some  answers to questions that had been haunting me. I think I can take my research to a nice new level from here. I have to be more selective and cautious now and at the same time be more efficient.

Sat through a discussion which led to nowhere even after about an hours discussion as the professors were talking about something which is really really very relative (the concept of privacy and trust). Looking forward to tomorrows presentations. (definitely not the registrations)

The theory of mexican food tasting better as one goes down south is TRUE. I had amazing mexican food today. Irvine seems to be the anime capital of America :D

Cheers until tomorrow
Kashyap

The biggest relief of my life till date

Tuesday afternoon was perhaps the sweetest one in sometime. It was one of those moments where relief overwhelms happiness. Now I am in a position where I want to be.

Apart from this there are some things on my mind I dont exactly know how to put them. This morning I realized something fundamental.

Acceptance -- The state of mind in which we subconsciously are convinced/ try to convince ourselves that "this is how things are destined to happen"; renouncing the natural order of things.

Strangely, it didn't take my by surprise. It put a few things in perspective. I realized sometimes we fall into a mode called acceptance and are blinded to some glaringly obvious issues. So, I've decided to let things be.

I really missed having tea all by myself and watch it rain. Yup, very very surprisingly for a guy who used to HATE rain, watching rain pour down has become my new favorite activity.

3 Cheers to life!
Kashyap

Newtons third law

The law holds true for most things in life, but there are certain things which might be inconsequential and have no equal or opposite reaction. In spite of that we hold those inconsequential things the closest to our heart. We always end up with a smile when we think about those moments. In a way, we seem to be in a dream and we want to live our lives in those moments forever. Then, we wake up in the morning and slowly reality creeps in, and we feel a part of us missing.

Even though we pretend to shrug it off and move along, our subconscious isn't with us. It stays back in the dreamland. If we think carefully, we linger in those moments not because of hope or expectation, but actually because of happiness and because they bring a smile on our face.

I have a smile on my face, for I have a few such moments. :)

26 Cheers

Brijesh