Happiness...The only time I think I was truly happy without anything on my mind was the 10 days I spent in Rajahmundry. Why was I happy then and never before or after? I don't know the exact reason. But I think it was because I really did not have anything on my mind. No fear, no thought about future, hence no anxiety nor tension. Nothing at all. I just lived by the moment. I have been longing for such a time.
I think we are happy when we don't have any fear. Sometimes mental peace is confused with happiness, but, in actuality you can still have happiness in troubled times. I now neither have peace nor happiness. But I feel some inner force pushing me towards it. Every day I wake up and feel I am getting closer and closer to the day when I will be happy. I don't know how, but, my sixth sense tells me I will be.
But... what makes me happy?. I am a dreamer. I dream a lot. That is a problem too. I dream a lot and most times leave it there. I don't do anything with my dreams and thoughts. And only I know how innovative and creative I can be. But, whats the point of ploughing a farm in our mind and hoping to have dinner with the crop. Thats the problem with me. So, again, what makes me happy. Colours, Creativity, Innovations, Sports. Most unfortunately, I don't truly love what I am doing. My Ph.D. I like it a lot. I'm excited with its prospects, but I don't love it. Yet. So, although I will be happy if I publish a paper in a top conference, its not 'happiness'. I can't explain it to anyone.
So what makes me feel I will be happy? My work. I know, sounds conflicting to what I just said, but its not my 'work' as such, but the process. Hence, my work. I am not explaining it on purpose. Either you 'see' what I meant or you don't. So, I'll leave it there with no further explanation. I have decided to do things as and how I want to do them. I want to love doing what and how I do. I want to genuinely hate doing things the way I do them, in order to stop doing them the way I have been doing them. I want to stop running away from things that I have been running away from.
I have wanted to do so many things in the past, and eventually let them be. But this time this 'want to' is a process that I am already in. I'm not hoping for it to 'work'. I will just do it and somehow I know this time it will. I may not have the exact answer to the question HOW?, but I know for sure. I am confident. Not hopeful. Confident.
Cheers
Brijesh
I think we are happy when we don't have any fear. Sometimes mental peace is confused with happiness, but, in actuality you can still have happiness in troubled times. I now neither have peace nor happiness. But I feel some inner force pushing me towards it. Every day I wake up and feel I am getting closer and closer to the day when I will be happy. I don't know how, but, my sixth sense tells me I will be.
But... what makes me happy?. I am a dreamer. I dream a lot. That is a problem too. I dream a lot and most times leave it there. I don't do anything with my dreams and thoughts. And only I know how innovative and creative I can be. But, whats the point of ploughing a farm in our mind and hoping to have dinner with the crop. Thats the problem with me. So, again, what makes me happy. Colours, Creativity, Innovations, Sports. Most unfortunately, I don't truly love what I am doing. My Ph.D. I like it a lot. I'm excited with its prospects, but I don't love it. Yet. So, although I will be happy if I publish a paper in a top conference, its not 'happiness'. I can't explain it to anyone.
So what makes me feel I will be happy? My work. I know, sounds conflicting to what I just said, but its not my 'work' as such, but the process. Hence, my work. I am not explaining it on purpose. Either you 'see' what I meant or you don't. So, I'll leave it there with no further explanation. I have decided to do things as and how I want to do them. I want to love doing what and how I do. I want to genuinely hate doing things the way I do them, in order to stop doing them the way I have been doing them. I want to stop running away from things that I have been running away from.
I have wanted to do so many things in the past, and eventually let them be. But this time this 'want to' is a process that I am already in. I'm not hoping for it to 'work'. I will just do it and somehow I know this time it will. I may not have the exact answer to the question HOW?, but I know for sure. I am confident. Not hopeful. Confident.
Cheers
Brijesh
