Silence

Silence is unbearable at times. It gets more frightening with the knowledge that one particular frequency in your life will go silent for ever. I am petrified.

Self destructing

Breaking...regrouping...loosing focus...fighting...indulging..fighting....no focus...listlessness...giving in...fighting...fearing...panicking....regrouping....short focus....listlessness....searching....finding....fighting....lost....

but not giving up....

life...

Pursuit of Happiness

Happiness...The only time I think I was truly happy without anything on my mind was the 10 days I spent in Rajahmundry. Why was I happy then and never before or after? I don't know the exact reason. But I think it was because I really did not have anything on my mind. No fear, no thought about future, hence no anxiety nor tension. Nothing at all. I just lived by the moment. I have been longing for such a time.

I think we are happy when we don't have any fear. Sometimes mental peace is confused with happiness, but, in actuality you can still have happiness in troubled times. I now neither have peace nor happiness. But I feel some inner force pushing me towards it. Every day I wake up and feel I am getting closer and closer to the day when I will be happy.  I don't know how, but, my sixth sense tells me I will be.

But... what makes me happy?. I am a dreamer. I dream a lot. That is a problem too. I dream a lot and most times leave it there. I don't do anything with my dreams and thoughts. And only I know how innovative and creative I can be. But, whats the point of ploughing a farm in our mind and hoping to have dinner with the crop. Thats the problem with me. So, again, what makes me happy. Colours, Creativity, Innovations, Sports. Most unfortunately, I don't truly love what I am doing. My Ph.D. I like it a lot. I'm excited with its prospects, but I don't love it. Yet. So, although I will be happy if I publish a paper in a top conference, its not 'happiness'. I can't explain it to anyone.

So what makes me feel I will be happy? My work. I know, sounds conflicting to what I just said, but its not my 'work' as such, but the process. Hence, my work. I am not explaining it on purpose. Either you 'see' what I meant or you don't. So, I'll leave it there with no further explanation. I have decided to do things as and how I want to do them. I want to love doing what and how I do. I want to genuinely hate doing things the way I do them, in order to stop doing them the way I have been doing them. I want to stop running away from things that I have been running away from.

I have wanted to do so many things in the past, and eventually let them be. But this time this 'want to' is a process that I am already in. I'm not hoping for it to 'work'. I will just do it and somehow I know this time it will. I may not have the exact answer to the question HOW?, but I know for sure. I am confident. Not hopeful. Confident.

Cheers
Brijesh

Abandoned

The sense of being abandoned and left for ruin...things will seem new over time but it will always be  newness on top of ruins no one can see but me....completeness over absolute hollowness....

Quotes

We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far.

~ Swami Vivekananda

I will definitely remember this swamiji. I have wandered and strayed. Not anymore. I hope to develop the strength to stay firm.

The calm and the turbulence

I started off writing this blog with a lot on my mind...eventually I just decided to let it be.

I have so much to say....but I cant...rather...I dont want to....with each passing day there is a lot of turbulence...but then there is a calm....a sense of calm that NO ONE can understand...and someone can only misinterpret. Unfortunate. But thats the truth.

If only....

Realizations...

Many questions lingering on my mind have been answered today....

The void

Two days to go and yet nothing.

I am travelling to India in a couple of days and yet I have no excitement that usually accompanies it. Ofcourse, there is a lot on my mind w.r.t work, but its this void that is slowly seeping in, and with every new day, the void and the silence is deafening, terrifying and engulfing. This time, I dont want to share it with anyone. As one of my friends wrote in her blog - "Staying quiet doesn't mean I have nothing to say. It means you are not ready to hear my thoughts". I'd like to add, staying quiet doesn't mean a disconnection. Some times silence is the best form of expressing ones thoughts when nothing else works and everything else is misunderstood. It is the best way to remain connected to the other person in our own way. But, unfortunately, silence is misunderstood too.

For many reasons, I am very very eagerly looking to getting away from here. I need a change and a vacation and a long one at that. I need to rediscover myself. I wish to go on a sort of road trip for a week, all by myself.

I feel I dont know what I need, but then again, I actually know what I need.

I am looking forward to this trip in great hope.

Cheers to life
Brijesh

If only..... and in parts....

Tum itna jo muskuraa rahe ho

On my mind...

I had a bad day today...but what saddened me was an article about a man whose wife and infant daughter died and no one cared to help. What has become of us as human beings? I'm sure all the people who just went past the man and his 4 year old son must have felt bad for the man...but what will it take for people in India to show some human values? We blame politicians for our plight, but in actuality we deserve only that. We aren't bothered about fellow human beings, how can we expect to be treated better by others? Really, what has become of us?? Is this what education is teaching us?

Stagnation

I need to get out of this place...This place has nothing to offer to me other than a degree now. But am I ready to go out? Am I prepared to go out? Maybe not, but some times you have to just dive into the water to see how deep it is and fight hard to float back and learn to swim to keep ur head above the water.

I can't get out of this place atleast until december. I have to endure, but this time, to be better prepared. I need to get out of this place. I have to get out of this place. I want to get out of this place.

~Kashyap

Fight against my inner demons

I am fighting my inner demons that have haunted me for some time now. Their existence is such that I didn't even realize it. Today, while playing racket ball everything was suddenly black and white. For a month I was still reeling and trying hard to come out of the well I went into a long time back. Today, I have come out of it. Today I know the demons exists and how the lingered so long.

This fight is purely for me. For me to become a better person. I realized in the last three years I have seen my actual self again. Now its time to become a better person. Now its time to fight back. This new year's start has perhaps been the best so far. Now, it doesn't mean all the things are going my way. Actually nothing has so far. But I see the potential to be really something. I see the potential for a really good foot hold in all things pertaining to me. A late start at 28 but a start none the less. After a long time, I find myself not bothered about what others are going to think of me. This fight is mine. My own. For me. No one else. And I am glad, the realization is from within. But a huge thanks to the person who shook me enough to get to this point.

NOTE : I will probably edit this post later..as there are thing I would want to make clear..but I cant frame them now.

26 cheers to life
Brijesh